10 Outrageous Chief Complaints

Have You Heard? – April 6, 2016

These are apparently chief complaints or requests of general practitioners (GP) during actual office visits by patients. They were compiled in a survey of physicians conducted by UK physician Dr. Mark Folman, who also runs the website Resilient GP. Our comments or questions are parenthetically noted in italics.

  1. “Is there a pill so I can have a baby boy?” (Or maybe one that will give me a strong boy who will grow up and get a NCAA athletic scholarship?)
  2. “Doctor, my stomach makes this weird rumbling/gurgling noise whenever I haven’t eaten. It’s starting to affect my work.” (Sounds like an easy remedy to swallow.)
  3. “My skin is too soft.” (Maybe this person should stop holding hands with an alligator.)
  4. “When I drink certain types of beer I vomit and have a headache the next morning.” (Perhaps the “type” of beer is also known as “too much”.)
  5. “I’ve lost my spidey sense and need a test to find out why.” (That’s what he gets for hanging around Batman for too long.)
  6. “My poop smells this morning and it doesn’t normally.” Patient actually brought a sample to the office in a bag. (Better make sure that bag doesn’t end up in the office fridge by mistake.)
  7. “Can you cut my son’s toenails as he doesn’t like it?” The son is 17 years old.  (Finally, a case where even a helicopter parent couldn’t succeed.)
  8. “Can I have a sick note for six months because I am nearly at retirement age?” (Maybe the reason should be stated as “sick of work”.)
  9. “I’m allergic to avocados — if I eat eight I’m sick.” (She discovered she gets even sicker when those get turned into guacamole, washed down with a pitcher of margaritas.)
  10. “My cat scratches my furniture and it upsets me because I love him.” (Wrong doctor. There’s a pet psychologist two doors down, though.)