Have You Heard? – February 24, 2016
These are reportedly actual notes from real medical records, submitted by readers of the website doctorslounge.com. This certainly serves as a reminder to proofread what we write, but maybe everyone’s in too much of a hurry these days. Our questions or comments appear in italics, in parentheses.
- The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. (And he thought he was just getting a hepatitis virus panel.)
- The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately. (Good, sensitive physicians are hard to find.)
- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce. (Just think of how much she could have saved in Miralax.)
- The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. (Another nice day of good health spoiled.)
- Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (Sounds like the diagnostician has long fingers.)
- The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week. (And is probably already writing its name.)
- The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead. (A bear market can really take priority.)
- When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. (At least she got to see things from a different perspective.)
- She has no rigors or chills but her husband says she was very hot in bed last night. (Braggarts. Sheesh.)
- On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared. (Who needs two knees, anyway?)
- The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983. (Maybe the physician should consider a career change.)