Have You Heard? – February 24, 2016

These are reportedly actual notes from real medical records, submitted by readers of the website doctorslounge.com. This certainly serves as a reminder to proofread what we write, but maybe everyone’s in too much of a hurry these days. Our questions or comments appear in italics, in parentheses.

1. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. (And he thought he was just getting a hepatitis virus panel.)
2. The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately. (Good, sensitive physicians are hard to find.)
3. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce. (Just think of how much she could have saved in Miralax.)
4. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. (Another nice day of good health spoiled.)
5. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. (Sounds like the diagnostician has long fingers.)
6. The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week. (And is probably already writing its name.)
7. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead. (A bear market can really take priority.)
8. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. (At least she got to see things from a different perspective.)
9. She has no rigors or chills but her husband says she was very hot in bed last night. (Braggarts. Sheesh.)
10. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared. (Who needs two knees, anyway?)
11. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983. (Maybe the physician should consider a career change.)